Moving On

I'm having a hard time distinguishing hormones from reality lately.

Probably because there's an extremely large baby in my belly who moves every time I do.

Hormones are a funny thing.

I had a *very small* emotional moment on Saturday.

We have been lucky with this training semester for Ben to be off on Saturdays. I love being able to spend that time with him.

We were out on Saturday running some errands - dropped my car off for a much needed oil change, had breakfast with his mother, picked up dry cleaning, and spent our gift cards at Babies R Us for the last few things we needed for the nursery. Then we treated ourselves to a nice dinner out.

It hit me that afternoon as we were driving to pick up my car.

Ben was singing along with the radio, and I was just sitting. We didn't really have anything to talk about, and that suited me just fine.

But, if we're not talking, then I'm thinking...

And I realized that this particular Saturday could be the last Saturday that Ben and I will ever get to spend together without kids.

I know that we'll have date nights and trips without kids because there are such things as grandmothers and baby sitters, but from the moment Brooke Allen is born sometime in the next few weeks, we will ALWAYS have kids. We will be parents. Forever.

It will never be just me and him again.

There is always going to be a carseat in the back seat. Our conversations will be filled with stories about the baby. We will never be able to take off for the day without loads of stuff and making sure we have enough diapers in the diaper bag. When we go out to eat, it will be 2 and a high chair.

I know I am going to long for the days when it was just us two. We've had three and a half amazing years of marriage.

There was the fun of signing the lease on our first apartment, and spending a year trying to figure out how to live together in 700 square feet. The arguments about the clothes on the floor and how to share chores and who took up more bathroom counter space.

There was the excitement of buying our first house and finding all the right furniture to make it "ours." How he humored me when I picked out the paint colors. Our terrible attempts at yard work and the supposedly "easy" plants that we managed to kill.

There was the fun of finding our first pet together and trying to raise her to be a good dog. We failed at that for the most part, but she's still one of the greatest things that's ever happened to us.

There were car purchases. Saturday morning donut adventures. Late night Wal-Mart runs. New recipes that he managed to eat half of before telling me it "wasn't his favorite." Fun nights with friends. Trips. Weddings. Joy riding. Thinking the bills wouldn't get paid. Times that they didn't. Times that they still don't. Job transitions. Broken police dreams. Arguments with words regretted. Lots and lots of laughter.

And that one Tuesday morning when I burst out of the bathroom door with the positive pregnancy test.

I know our life is only changing for the better, but I will miss these times when it's just me and him.

Because me and him is all we've ever known.

We've learned so much as we walked through the fire of newlywed bliss together. We're coming out the other side stronger and much better people. Because we did it together.

I know when we've got screaming babies, an unkempt house, and a stack of bills, I'm going to wish for the time when things were easier.

But I don't think I'll trade it.