What a Difference a Year Makes - July 12

Do you want to know a secret about this picture?

And this one?

And this one?

I was pregnant...with you...and had no idea.

These were made one week before I took my home pregnancy test.

One week before I saw that one little word that changed my life forever.

PREGNANT.

We had been in DC visiting your Uncle Wes for a week over the July 4th holiday.

It was hot.  Sticky.  Muggy.  We walked miles and miles.

I got a hint of nausea on our last day, but I thought it was just motion sickness.

On that Sunday, your daddy's birthday, I had a major emotional meltdown.

On Monday, I came home from work sick as a dog.  I was curled up on the couch, crying hysterically, and your daddy was rubbing my back.  I said, "I don't know what's wrong with me!"  He said, "You're acting crazy.  I think you're pregnant."

That next morning, Tuesday, July 12, I took a home pregnancy test before work.  Daddy was still in bed.  I stood over the test for a minute, even though it felt like an hour.  I watched the little sand timer spin round and round...

And then there it was...

PREGNANT.

I immediately began to cry.  My heart busted with joy.  We weren't necessarily "trying" to have a baby, but we weren't preventing it.

There you were.  You were a microscopic nothing, growing in my belly.

We confirmed it at the doctor on the 14th.

The next 36 weeks were indescribable.

There were times I couldn't hold my eyes open from being so tired.  When I ran to the office bathroom to vomit. When I could barely get out of bed.

Then there were moments of pure jubilation.  Sitting in the ultrasound tech's room for a whole hour, waiting to find out who you were.  Feeling your first real kicks.  Having you respond to my voice.

There were times of absolute fear.  Wondering if we were financially stable enough to support a baby.  Scared to be responsible in all ways for another human life.  Uncertainties about how to handle a newborn.

There were moments of raw emotion.  Bursting into tears at the realization of what was happening in our lives.  On my knees in humility, praising God for the tiny little miracle He was entrusting to us.  Being overwhelmed by even walking into your nursery.

You, my sweet baby girl, are the absolute, most wonderful, amazing, powerful gift I have ever received.  I did not know love existed so perfectly, so unconditionally.  You are every bit what I dreamed, and so much more.

 I love you, my daughter.  I loved you even before I knew you existed.  I will now and forever always love you.

Thank you for letting me be your mommy.