My Confessions to You

This post has been weighing heavily on my mind as I have been reflecting back on my life, my spiritual life, and the ways I wish I could have changed it.  This is so very hard for me to admit and I am opening myself up for criticism as I write this and publish it for all who know me to see it.

In all honesty, I have failed to make a good example for you.

I've done things that I am not proud of.  I know we all say that, but as I look back at my life, there are things I wish I could take a big pink eraser to and pretend they never happened.  Things that people don't forget.  A reputation I created for myself.  A life that I am trying to overcome as I grow into womanhood.

I have lived a life dirty with sin, and sometimes I am afraid that people still see those stains all over me.  That I am a falsity to what I say and do now, because my past still haunts me.  I am afraid that because I "played church" while living a life contrary to what I stood for, that when I am living right for the first time in a very long time, people still see the church player.

I need to apologize to you for this.

For so long, I stood on the stage at church and sang solos, sang in the choir, and performed in church plays while proclaiming the name of the Lord, and it was all empty.  All of it.  

I didn't know it at the time.  I thought my relationship with God was healthy.  If the church doors were open, I was there.  I am, after all, a product of a minister and a church musician.  I am a Bible Drill champion, can sing most hymns and praise choruses at the drop of a hat, and can quote scripture endlessly.  I've been on mission trips, to soup kitchens, Habitat homes, and Disciple Now weekends.  

But it was empty.

I am saved.  I have accepted Jesus.  I know I will go to Heaven when I die.  But there was no evidence of that in my life, besides my outward actions at church.  There was no good fruit.

Pastor Paul has been challenging us at church.  Is a life saved by grace really saved if there is no fruit?  If a life truly is saved, shouldn't there be evidence?  Do people know you are a Christian?  

As I began to examine my past, I realize that there is little to no evidence that I am a true Christian unless I verbally spoke it to you.

Oh, how I wish this wasn't true.

So I begin my journey into real Christianity.  True discipleship.  A meaningful relationship with God.  I know that I am changing, and these kinds of changes can only be for good.

Now, I warn you.  I warn you against the challenges of life.  My past is my past because of my own choices.  I chose the path.  

But you don't have to!  I pray to see you live a pure and holy life.  Yes, holy.  To be holy is to be set apart.  Full evidence of Christ in you.  To interact with people and for them to know that you are different, and it creates a desire in them to find out what makes you different.  That you would be bold in speaking out in your faith.  That you can spread the love of Christ with your actions and your words.  That you would never shy away from an opportunity to be a light or salt.  That you would strive to please God before pleasing boys, your teachers, your coaches, your friends, even me.

It is amazing what choosing to live a life pleasing God rather than your boyfriend or fashion magazines will do for your self esteem and self image.

Because you are child of the one true King.  You are made in His own image.  There is nothing more beautiful than the fullness of God, and you are a reflection of that!  How wonderful!  Do you still question your beauty when you read that?  You shouldn't.  Read it again if you do.

My heart aches when I think about the choices you will have to make in life.  Choices when you date, choices when you make friends, choices when you go to college.  Will you say yes or no to things that aren't pleasing to God?  Will choose the party over Bible study?  Will you disobey Your Daddy and me?  Will you give in to sexual temptations?  Will you blatantly show your disobedience to what we are called to and everything Your Daddy and I will teach you?

Or will you be a church player, like I was?  Hiding sins behind a pretty face and a nice singing voice.  Partying on Saturday and praying on Sunday.  Preaching an empty gospel.  Bowing your head to pray but daydreaming about what happens after church.

I promise you, being a church player is worse than blatant disobedience.  Being a lukewarm Christian will cause you to be spat out.  Be hot or cold, but don't be in between.

I hope you forgive me for my past.  I pray that you don't see me as a hypocrite, only as one who is repentant.  One who is saved by grace and is choosing to be better.  Not only because I am commanded to be, but because I want to be.

And never underestimate the power of a praying mother.  I can show you full circle the power of my praying mother, Your GiGi.  I can't save your soul, but I can pray that you make the right choices.  And if you don't, I can pray that you will come back around.  

I will pray incessantly either way.

I say these things because I love you.  I love you with a never ending, all time, expansive, powerful love.  But as much as I love you, God loves you even more.  There is no way to ever lose the love of God.  It's there for you to reach out and touch at any time.  You are His.

While a testimony full of tragedy and sin and repentance is interesting and dramatic for people to hear, there is nothing that pleases God more than a testimony of holiness and righteousness.  And we're all in this for pleasing God and bringing glory to Him.

There is no greater cross to bear on Earth, and no greater crown to wear in Heaven.