Hit Me Up On Facebook

I've got some griping to do.

You Facebook people are ridiculous.

Mark Zuckerberg should create an etiquette book to accompany all Facebook accounts. Kind of like a school handbook that you have to read the first day of each year, sign, and return.

Excuse me, Mr. Zuckerberg? You want me to write it for you?

Why, I'd be honored!

FACEBOOK ETIQUETTE

1. Thou shalt not post about bodily functions.

EVERYONE CAN READ WHAT YOU'RE WRITING.

Posting a status about your colonoscopy is gross.

Giving us a play-by-play of the labor of the birth of your child is just odd.

Telling your grandson, Bobby, about your recent herniated disk is read by all your grandson's friends.

The words "diarhea" and "time of the month" should never be used.

Do you begin a conversation in person with these topics?

No.

Then they should never be on your or anyone else's wall.

2. Thou shalt not make the duckface.

What is with the kissy lips pictures?

Sick. You look deranged. It's not flattering. You don't look like a model.

Oh, and when you throw the deuces with it? You look like a d-bag.

http://www.antiduckface.com/

3. Thou shalt not air your dirty laundry.

I am tired of reading about your baby daddy drama.

I am tired of reading about your divorce.

I am tired of reading about your lack of a love life.

I am tired of reading about your crazy Aunt Sally.

I am tired of reading about your stint in rehab.

Call someone who cares, rather than telling everybody who doesn't.

4. Thou shalt not complain.

If every status is about how tired, exhausted, lonely, sad, brokenhearted, sick, stressed...honestly, I could go on...maybe you should re-evaluate your life.

Work on your positivity and post THAT on Facebook.

5. Thou shalt not use Picnik editor.

Ok, so I use Picnik to edit my photos. But I only use the sharpener and the contrast. I don't change the colors, add stickers, and write "2 Seksy" or "Gangsta Biotch" on my photo, and then make it my profile picture.

It's just skeevy.

And when you edit your picture to make your tan look darker, we can tell.

6. Thou shalt not add ♥ or ten thousand eeeeeeeees on the end of every sentenceeee, loveee.

Cut the crap. Get a Myspace.

7. Thou shalt not burn bridges by using Facebook.

Yeh, you've seen it.

Jane Doe is in a relationship.

"I jus loveeee my bf. We gonna 2 b 2gether 4eva."

2 hours later.

Jane Doe is single.

"I hate that jerk. I hope he think of me when he wit dat ho!"

2 hours later.

Jane Doe is in a relationship.

"Every1 deservs a 2nd chance. We luv each other n dat all dat maters. H8ers keep h8in. I luv u, John!"

30 minutes later.

Jane Doe is in a relationship, and it's complicated.

8. Thou shalt not post bad song lyrics as a status.

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars - I could really use a wish right now."

"Baby, I was born this way."

Or, any Black Eyed Peas.

9. Thou shalt not use your Facebook as a bumper sticker for your star student.

I get it, your kid is great.

But I don't care that he won his class spelling bee.

Or that your baby rolled over.

Or that your toddler went poo poo in the potty for the first time.

I really don't.

10. Thou shalt not post raunchy Spring Break photos.

One day, you people will have to get a job.

Unless you're Snookie, your job will have to involve some sort of professionality.

Hiring managers now research you on Facebook.

If you have an album titled, "Dirrrrty Spring Break" and all the pictures are of you and your skanky friends in bikinis funneling beers on the beach and/or dancing on the bar, chances are you will not get hired.

Especially if you're an Elementary Education major.

11. Thou shalt not repeatedly ask me to be your friend or "like" your page.

I said no once. Please don't make me do it again.

12. Thou shalt not invite your friend list to play Farmville, Cityville, Aquariumville, or Loserville.

I DON'T WANT TO PLAY.

These violators should have their own system.

13. Thou shalt not use bad spelling or grammar.

If you're old enough to be allowed to have a Facebook, you have had some sort of basic English class. You have heard about the use of commas, periods, and proper nouns.

You should also know the difference between "there," "their," and "they're."

14. THOU SHALT NOT POST IN ALL CAPS.

15. Thou shalt not have a "middle" name.

Jose Krazyboi Smith.

Sheniqua Godsgift Thomas.

Michael Tooflyforhaterz Jones.

Seriously?

Everybody needs to treat Facebook like it was when it was FUN.

You know, when it was JUST college kids? There was an empty space for a wall and you had to sign it. There were no pictures except one literally for your face.

Hence, FACEbook.

Let's all be adults.

Or at least act like them.

Except for the Charlie Sheen jokes.

You can keep those coming.

NOT SO RANDOM COINCIDING WEBSITE LINK: www.lamebook.com