Working Mommy

Yesterday, you turned 6 weeks old.

Time needs to slooooooooow doooooooooown.

You are growing like a weed, and I swear sometimes I don't even recognize you.

A comparison of the day you were born vs. 6 weeks old.  I can't believe how much you've changed!

The worst part about that is I've officially gone back to work.

About two weeks before you were born, I was laid off from my job.  I spent the majority of what would have been my maternity leave applying for different types of positions with lots of different companies.  I got a call back from a realty company to be a sales agent for them, and I interviewed with them...2 weeks after you were born.  I was offered the job 2 weeks ago, and I said yes for a May 1st start date.  

May 1st was your 6 week birthday.

A friend of ours is going to keep you while Daddy and I both go to work, but yesterday, Daddy was able to keep you because it was his day off.  He was amazingly overwhelmed with what he had to do to care for you all day long - especially since you are in an "I will scream if you put me down" phase.  (It's not all the time, but you're not a fan of being left alone for long periods of time right now)

I got a text from him around 5pm that said, "Ok, I think she's tired of Daddy now."

You weren't tired of Daddy at all.  You just missed your Mommy.

I did well leaving you yesterday morning.  You were still in bed with Daddy, and I forced myself to give you just one hug, and just one kiss, and then walk out the door.  I teared up a little, but fought them back and focused on the task at hand.

But when I walked through our door last night, I was greeted by Charlotte first, and then you in Daddy's arms.  I picked you up and immediately began to cry.

I missed you so much.

I had never been away from you for more than two hours.  I missed your little face and all the expressions that you make.  I missed all your little baby noises, coos, and cries.  I missed feeding you, dancing with you, and even changing your diapers.  I was selfish and didn't like that Daddy got to see and do all those things and I didn't.

It made me think about you growing up and how much I will miss because I will be a working mommy.  What if you take your first steps while you are at the babysitter's house?  What if you say your first words and I'm not there?  I am the only person in this world who knows you best.  I know your cries and what they mean.  I make you feel better.  What if you need me and I can't get there?

As you get older, I am going to miss field trips and school events.  I may not be able to pick you up from school every day.  I may not be able to bring you birthday cupcakes to your class or be PTO President.  I may miss ballet class or soccer games.  There are some things that you will have to miss because neither Daddy nor I will be able to take you.

I am terrified to miss out on any part of your life.  I have asked your Daddy repeatedly since we found out I was pregnant if there was any way I could be a stay at home mom.  He always says, "Well, you could, but there would be no home to stay in."  

It's true.  Either GiGi would have to pay our bills or let us live with her - neither of which she wants to do - or we would live in a cardboard box on the street corner.  It would be a clean cardboard box, but it might be tight with the three of us and a dog all living in it.

Then, I remember why I work.  I work to provide for you.  I work to give you a home and food and clothes.  I work to buy you toys and books and diapers.  I work to make you proud of what I have accomplished by being a mommy and a worker.

I grew up in a house with two working parents.  No, GiGi wasn't able to go on my field trips or bring me birthday cupcakes.  But I know that we wouldn't have survived without the income that her job provided.  I am proud of her for balancing both work and home.

Sure, I would have loved when I was little to come home to June Cleaver with a clean house and freshly baked cookies for a snack.  But it wasn't reality.  I was a latchkey kid, much like you will be.  Friends parents' kept us when our parents weren't available.  It was a hassle when one of us was sick to figure out which parent would skip work that day.  We learned to come home by ourselves, fix ourselves a snack, and start our homework without being told.

Maybe one day, Daddy can earn enough money (or we could win the lottery) for me to stay home with you and your siblings.

But until that happens, or if it never happens, please know that I work for YOU.  You are my motivation for waking up every morning, putting on my heels and make up, and driving across town to convince people to buy houses.  I would gladly work seven days a week to make your life as comfortable as possible so you would never want for anything.

I hope that by doing this every day, you are proud of me and how hard I work.  I hope that you see how hard I work and it motivates you to do the same when you go to work to provide for your family.  I hope that you never doubt for a second if I love you because I miss something important to earn some money.

Because I do it for you.  Everything is for you.