Your Bubba

 Another year has passed, which marks yet another year since Your Bubba went home to Jesus.

This year was shockingly different.  Usually, on his birthday and death anniversary, I am sad and solemn.  I find myself crying and wondering.  Praying and dreaming.

But not this year.  I believe you are the reason for that.

People always comment about how much you look like Your Daddy.  It's true.  You are his spitting image, dressed up in pink.

But there are some times, that you look just like Your Bubba.

The way you cock your head to the side.

The way your whole face smiles.

And the tiny little sparkle in your eye.

That glimmer.  That playful look you give us when we catch you looking at us.

Sometimes I wonder if God asked for Your Bubba's opinion when He created you.  And if Your Bubba said, "She would be perfect if you gave her my rosy cheeks and my sparkly eyes."  If they had a laugh over knowing Your GiGi immediately thought about the resemblance to Your Bubba when Your Daddy sent her your first picture from the delivery room.  If Your Bubba smiled at just the thought of you.

I hope that God showed Your Bubba his handiwork in you before He gave you to us.

He would have loved you so much.

I think about what it would have been like for him to be here.  To know you.

He would have cried such happy tears on the day you were born.  He would have put his arm around Your Daddy's shoulders as they stood around you, admiring your beauty.  He would have rocked you sweetly in your rocking chair.  He would have fought Your GiGi over time holding you.  He would have picked you way up in the air just to make you laugh.  He would have had a special nickname for you.

I wish I could see those things in real life.

Instead, I only have these visions in my mind, and the still lingering questions of why we were all robbed of it.  I know the purpose.  I understand.  But I still wish them different.

One day, Your Bubba will hold you.  He will walk with you in Heaven, showing you all the places to go and see.  He will hold your hand, and sing you songs.  And it will be just as it should be.  

New Year's Resolutions

My sweet girl.

The year you were born has come and gone.

We now look ahead to 2013, and all it will bring us.

We will see major milestones from you - words, steps, and a lot more independence.

You will move from a formula based diet to a food based diet.

You will grow exponentially.

You will turn one.

I can't believe these milestones are just around the corner.

In this wonderful year to come, I do have some resolutions.

Not in the sense of the regular New Year's Resolutions that people make, but resolutions that will help improve your life, Your Daddy's life, and my life.

I resolve to...

Be a better wife to Your Daddy.  There are times that I can be overbearing and nagging.  There are also times that I can be crazy and fly off the handle.  I am going to strive to be a patient and serving wife who prays for Your Daddy persistently.  I want to be a role model for a wife and marriage that you can watch and emulate with confidence as you search for a husband.

Be a better mommy to you.  I often find myself wishing I could continue playing on facebook or folding laundry instead of tending to your immediate needs.  A friend of mine posted a picture that said, "My child is not giving me a hard time.  My child is having a hard time."  I am going to try to remember that with every step.  You should be my number one focus.  If I am not looking, I might miss something.  I should never be too busy to help you.

Be a better housewife.  Our finances have struggled this year, as well as my ability to keep a house.  I am going to work on a schedule for cleaning and chores, as well as try to stay on top of our finances.  I would also like to start paying down some debt that we have sitting.

Be a better friend.  I will admit that this year, I have let my friendships slip.  It wasn't on purpose.  I wasn't trying to exclude any friends.  But I didn't find the time to work on my friendships like I have in the past.  I am also going to reach out more to new friends.  I like to be alone a lot of times, but there are times that I just want to go out to dinner with friends, and I haven't allowed myself the opportunity to do so.

Be a better worker.  I am easily distracted and find myself drifting to pictures of you, or text messages to Your Daddy.  I need to focus on work and accomplishing tasks on my to do list daily.

Be better me.  I need to eat healthier, get in shape, and take better care of myself.  I drink waaaaaaay too much caffeine and rely on it to get me through the day.  I also really love french fries. Often times at night, I pass out from exhaustion at 8:30.  I know that with better eating habits and exercise, this would correct itself.  I also need to allow time for myself daily, whether it's in bed reading a book or taking a hot bath.  I need time to relax and decompress, or I become a ball of frustration.  So much of my day is spent giving to other people, that I need to give to myself a little bit, too.

Be a better Christian.  In all this time that I spend in a day, not much is spent in my relationship with Christ.  Finding a healthy balance between work, home, parenting, marriage, self, and friendships can only be tethered by a solid relationship with Christ.  Spending time in the Word, in prayer, and in spiritual family growth is the only way to accomplish this.

I hope that when you grow up, you are proud of me.  I don't want you to look back on your childhood thinking that I was a workaholic, didn't have enough energy to play with you, or cared more about the dirty floors than I did reading you a second story at night.  I want to build a strong foundation for you to model in your lifetime.  Your GiGi was a wonderful role model for me.  She did it all!

This next year is going to be a challenge for us all.  You will be moving and shaking and we will work hard to keep up with you.  But I am going to do my best to be there as much as possible.

Now if I can only add 6 more hours to the day...

9 Months Old

You are 9 months old.

Time is going by so quickly.  I am trying to relish in every moment with you, but it seems to be so fast!  I cannot believe just how big, smart, and sweet you are.  Sometimes I wish you could stay this age forever, but I so enjoy watching you grow and learn. 

To start out your 9th month, you sat in the tub for the first time like a big girl. 

We've only had one topple over scare since you've been in the tub without your chair.  You faceplanted.  It scared both you and me!  Daddy had to help me finish because I was so shaken up.  It was only for a second because I was right there, but I didn't like your face going in the water!  You didn't either...

You had your First Thanksgiving!

It is super difficult to get a picture with two wiggly boys, a giggly 8 month old, and a teeny baby!

We started out on that Wednesday with dinner at Pops' house.  You have so much fun playing with your cousins Liam, Sage, and Lydia.

Your Daddy had to work Thanksgiving night, so we hung around the house with him that morning.  You were captivated by the parade on tv.

Then Dollie came over for lunch, and Your Daddy went to work shortly after.

We headed to Grandmother's (GiGi's Mom's) for the night with the Benson clan.

Your Thanksgiving dinner was very exciting.

On Friday, we headed out for our annual Girls' Day Out for Black Friday!

You played with your cousin Jesslyn...

...and met Santa!!!!!!

You LOVED him.  I wish we had gotten a picture of your first reaction because as soon as you saw him, your face lit up so brightly.  You went straight to his lap and laughed and played with his beard.  It was so precious!

After we did a little shopping, we headed to the flag depository that was placed in honor and memory of your Great-Granddaddy by the Gadsden-Etowah Patriots Association.  You helped put in a flag.

And yes, this is a picture of my awesome parenting - place your baby on top of a five foot tall box and walk away.  GiGi was not supposed to get me in the picture...

After Thanksgiving, life went back to normal.

You learned how to jump in your jumperoo.

You are the BEST shopping buddy.  You love to people watch so grocery stores and malls are your heaven.  You smile and laugh at everyone we pass.

You helped me watch the SEC Championship game.

You weren't terribly interested, but we are working on saying ROLL TIDE!

You wore your first Christmas dress.

We are working on table food, but it's just not your thing yet.

You would rather steal the spoon.

We had a pajama breakfast at Cracker Barrel after you spent the night with Dollie.

You LOVE the Christmas tree lights.

You have lots of toys, but you prefer the remote or my iPhone.

You went to our Sunday School Christmas party...

...and promptly pooped out in the backseat on the way home.

You wouldn't let me take this hat off.

And then you turned 9 months old!  And on Your Bubba's birthday!  He would have been so proud to be Your Bubba.

At your 9 month checkup, you were 20.4 pounds (75%), and 29.5 inches tall (still off the growth charts).  Dr. Stone told us we should start fielding basketball scholarships because you are going to be one tall girl!  You are perfectly healthy and growing like a weed!

You are wearing mostly 9 month clothes, and some 12 month clothes.  Because you are so tall, I have a hard time finding pants that are long enough!  The 12 month pants are great for length, but too big for your skinny waist. 

You love to eat, as long as you are being fed.  You really enjoy the chicken dinner purees, namely chicken with apples and chicken noodle.  You are not a fan of turkey.

I give you pieces of table food, but you really don't care much for it.  You are way more interested in learning cause and effect, ie pushing your puffs off the highchair tray.  Charlotte learned very quickly to stand below you while you are eating.  You laugh at Charlotte eating your food, and then you let her lick your toes and fingers.

You love Charlotte.  You watch her across the room and talk to her.  Both you and Charlotte are learning the meaning of the word "gentle," since you like to grab big handfuls of Charlotte's back, and Charlotte is not a fan of that.  But Charlotte does love to give you drive by kisses when you are playing and you laugh and laugh and hold your hand out for her to kiss.

Your two top front teeth came through, just in time for Christmas.  I have no picture of them, because you won't let me get one.  But I promise - they are there.  And they have been a doozy to come in.

You aren't crawling or pulling up yet.  You really are not one for moving.  You would rather sit and play with your toys or whoever is playing with you.  You don't roll over much, and you aren't making any attempts to crawl.  You are very content just where you are, as long as you aren't alone! 

I know that once you do figure out how to move, we will be in BIG trouble.  You are very curious, and I know we will have a hard time keeping you out of everything.

You are still my super smiley and super sweet girl.  You love people, especially Your Daddy.  You have the biggest crush on Your Daddy, and he has the biggest crush on you.  You are so sweet together!

I am looking forward to this next month, when you will have your First Christmas!  It will be so fun!

I love you, my precious angel!

God Is Not Dead, Nor Does He Sleep

My one, biggest prayer for you that I will pray over you for your whole entire life will be that you will not know sorrow.  You will not know grief.  Pain.  Misery.  Anguish.  Fear.  Loneliness.  Terror.  Heartbreak.

While I know that this is unrealistic prayer, I will pray it nonetheless.

The tragedy of Sandy Hook Elementary School on December 14, 2012, will just be an awful event in your history book.  For so many lives in present day, it was a cruel and horrifying reality.

A mad man, who does not deserve for his name to be spoken, took the lives of 26 children and their teachers, principal, and guidance counselor, as they sat in their classrooms on a Friday morning.  Over 700 children fled for their lives.

For no reason.

It is awful for me to use my fingers to type those words.  For no reason.  There is never a reason good enough to cause this kind of irreparable harm.  There is no justification for this crime.  The parents of these children and the families of these teachers will never know why their loved ones were taken from them.  Countless children are scarred emotionally for years to come, scared to go back to school in fear of another gunman.

Oh, how I pray that this never happens to you.

The night of the shooting, I held you so close.  When it came time for you to go to bed, I wished that you were still tiny so that you would sleep with me.  I placed you in your crib relunctantly, handed you your favorite teething toy and your Wabbit, turned on your mobile and Sleep Sheep, and wept as I watched you lay there so peacefully.  I wept for those parents who were unable to put their children to bed that night.  I wept for those parents who would never be able to sneak back into their baby's room for just one more kiss before all the lights went out.  I wept.

You, of course, had no idea.  You smiled back at me, talked to your Wabbit, and watched the birds on your mobile go round and round.  You know nothing of this kind of fear.  For that, I am thankful.

But for now, the whole world is walking in fear.  We've learned that no place is safe.  We can't go to the movies, the mall, or even to school or work without watching our backs or having safety precautions.  Your Daddy carried his gun to the movie theatre the other night.  He is trained and licensed to carry his gun in places that regular citizens cannot, so I always feel a bit safer knowing that his pistol is on his hip.  But will he ever have to use it?  I hope not.

As a parent, it is my job to explain why these awful things happen to good people.  I have no answer for you, except that the Earth belongs to Satan.  We know that God created this world.  We know that He created His people to be a reflection of Him, and that all things that have breath praise the Lord.  But we also have a free will.  Our human free will is often guided by Satan.  

Can God stop these things from happening?  Yes.  God can do anything.  Can I explain why He chose not to stop the gunman on December 14?  No.  The only explanation I can give you is that bad things happen at the hand of Satan, and God allows them to happen.  If bad things never happened, then God would never be revealed and glorified through suffering.  God Himself suffered on the cross.  Through suffering comes victory to those of us who know and believe.  This is an extremely hard thing to understand, even to me.  It's yet another piece of our beliefs that we probably will not understand until we are risen to Heaven.  Only through faith can we have this confidence.

But God is not dead, nor does He sleep.  He works through ALL things, good and bad.  

Those precious babies walk in Heaven with Jesus today.  And I hope that the teachers who lost their lives knew of Christ's salvation, and they walk in Heaven as well.

I can only teach you what to do in scary situations.  I can tell you not to talk to strangers, and if a stranger ever touches you, to scream as loud as you can and run to the nearest authority figure.  To call 911 when something happens.  When you are older, we will educate you in depth about Your Daddy's guns, and that they are used for Daddy's protection while he works.  They are not toys, and you are never to touch them.  And we will do our part to keep those weapons locked and put away where you cannot get to them.

And I will pray that no danger comes near you.  That Satan will keep his hands from you.  That you will always be protected by a shield from the Holy Spirit.

To the victims and families of Sandy Hook Elementary, as well as the community of Newtown, our thoughts, prayers, and support are with you.  May you find the blessings of the Holy Spirit as you search for peace in this tragedy.

Christmas Pictures in a Christmas Tutu

We had our Christmas pictures done on the December 1st.

You were absolutely precious in your Christmas outfit, especially in the tutu that Your GiGi made for your pictures.

Our friends Brian and Ashley Johnson did our pictures for us, so all the credit for the beautiful lighting and composition go to them!

Despite the rough day you were having with your teeth (BOTH top teeth breaking in at the same time), you were such a trooper and still gave us that sweet smile.

Our Christmas cards have been ordered, so some of these will make duplicate appearances to those on our card list!  

Ashley caught this sweet moment while I was stealing sugars from underneath your chin.  It always makes you laugh like crazy.

These next few pictures were taken on Samford University's hill, where Your GiGi and Your Bubba had their first date, sledding down the hill on cafeteria trays on one of those rare January days when it snows in Alabama.  They fell in love that day and were married ten months later.  Such a special place for the Thornton family!