After reading THIS thought provoking article by Tim Keller, who I think may possibly be a genius, I got to thinking... I know, me thinking. It can be dangerous.
It's so very true. You never marry the right person.
How boring would it be if you did?
There would be no variation, no spice, no conversation. You would agree on everything. You would do the same thing all the time. You would never grow in new experiences or thought.
Marriage is not perfect 100% of the time, nor is it easy. But it's so very worth it.
Ben and I joke all the time that if we put ourselves on an online dating site, we don't think it would match us up. At least, not in the beginning of our relationship.
When we began this relationship a little over five years ago, we were two totally different people than we are now. We had different hopes and goals for ourselves. We had different hobbies, different friends, and different likes and dislikes.
But as our relationship grew and we realized (very quickly) how seriously we felt about each other, we learned to love these differences in each other. So what makes OUR marriage work?
1. We got involved in each other's hobbies. I never paid attention to Nascar and NFL before I developed a love for spending Sunday afternoons with Ben. Guess what he does on Sunday afternoons? If I wanted to be with him during that time, I had to sit through what I thought was boring. Eventually, I learned more about these sports and grew to enjoy them. Now we have another time that we can spend together. 2. We fight like adults.
No, we didn't always fight like adults. In fact, this is a fairly new revelation in our relationship. But we've gotten past the name calling and the pouting. We take our time to compose rational thoughts and express them in words that are patient and careful. Yes, these words still hurt sometimes, but they are honest and truthful. That's really the only way to grow.
And whoever said, "Love means never having to say you're sorry" fed a whole lot of people a big crock. You must ALWAYS say you're sorry, and you must always mean it. Apologizing is a form of repentance. It is part of the vow you make to try as hard as you possibly can to never repeat your hurtful actions. That's what we all want, right?
OH, and we NEVER EVER EVER use the "D word." It's not a threat in a fight. You never know when the other person will say, "You know what? You're right. Let's get a divorce." And then you're stuck with a major regret that you never meant to occur.
3. We have conversations.
We talk to each other. It's that simple. Every evening, we talk about our days. We tell each other even the minute, tiny, insignificant parts of our days. We talk about sports, current events, stupid stories we've heard. And when we run out of things to talk about, we ask each other questions to begin a new conversation.
"If you had Brett Favre's money, how would you spend it?"
"If you could go anywhere in the world, and money was no option, where would you go?"
I have learned the most interesting things about my husband through playing this game. It also allows us to make appropriations for each other's dreams. We will never have Brett Favre's kind of money, but we can certainly make a goal to buy a little house on a little bit of land later in life so Ben can have that little green tractor to drive around on.
4. We never speak ill of each other to outsiders.
Sure, we may join in a conversation about things that our spouses to do annoy us, like leaving the dishes in the sink or his shoes on the floor on my side of the bed. But never the big things. This includes, and mainly applies to, parents. If I tell my mother about every little fight we have, I am inviting my mother to think negatively about my husband, which in turn, leads to a toxicity in their relationship. I want her to consistently think of the wonderful things about my husband and never doubt his ability to care for me.
Whenever anyone asks me how we are, no matter what our circumstances at that moment, I usually reply with, "We are deliriously happy." It automatically makes me remember other parts of our relationship that are great, and makes the one thing I'm mad about seem really insignificant.
5. We compliment each other.
We can all be vain to an extent. This has become so important to me over the past few months. Being almost 8 months pregnant, I feel like the side of a house. For someone who used to compete in beauty pageants, and has had her fair share of weight struggles, this is a strain on my self confidence. Ben has stepped up in the complimenting game, telling me how beautiful I look and how much he loves me.
I return the favor as often as I can by telling him how devastatingly handsome he is.
We CRAVE the edification and approval of the person we love the most. If I can encourage him by being excited about the great job he did at work yesterday, I help build his confidence in a way that no one else can, because I am his wife. He values my opinion over anyone else's. That is a heavy burden to carry, but I carry it as well as I can.
6. We are each other's resting place.
Ben is where I go when I'm having a tough day. He is the one person I can unload all my awful feelings and frustrations to at the end of the day. He withholds his natural judgment against my feelings and wraps me up in his arms, even to just let me cry. I know that when I say these things, he locks them up in his head. He doesn't tell anyone what I've said, and he doesn't use them against me later. It's this friendship aspect that has saved me on many an evening where I feel like I am heading to a crash and burn. Even for five minutes every night, I can sit with him on the couch and know that everything will be ok, because he is there.
7. We find ways to make each other smile.
For Ben, it's sending him a picture message of the dog on days that I'm home and he's working. He also loves to go look at cars on car lots. When I agree to that, I get a big smile back.
For me, it's when he brings home a sweet card or chocolate. I know that he heard my heart was heavy on that day, and he did something small to make my day better.
There's always lots of laughter. It may be from a fart joke or a funny face, but there is always laughter.
8. We spend time apart.
Ben understands my need to spend time with my mom. I understand Ben's need to go out with his boys. These things are usually unquestioned in our relationship. Ben doesn't ask for permission to hang out with the guys, and I don't ask permission to go to Dothan for the weekend. It's an unspoken agreement we have. I miss him terribly when I leave him for the weekend, but I'm always met with a hearty hug and kiss when I get home.
9. We are best friends.
We just simply enjoy hanging out together. It can be watching tv together at night, going to dinner, or taking a vacation. It doesn't matter. As long as we're together, for however short or long.
10. We understand that marriage is a work out.
It is not easy to commit to each of these things every day. There are days that I don't want to be Ben's best friend. I don't want to hear what he has to say. I don't want to watch football. I don't want him to go out with his friends. But I know that doing these things are necessary for our relationship to stay strong.
Honestly, is this something I'm going to regret at a later time? Spending an evening watching football, but watching it with Ben? Giving value to what he has to say, when I'm the one who wants to talk? No. That's ridiculous. I will never regret those moments.
I fully intend for this marriage to be for life. Ben does too. That is the commitment we made on the day we married. Loving Ben every day is a choice that I make. Because he's not perfect. I'm not perfect. Two partial perfects don't make one whole perfect.
What it does make is a couple who are striving each day to give each other their best. Because we deserve each other's best.
Marriage is not 50/50. Sometimes it's not even 65/35. There are days that we have to give our best to our job and our family, and when you get home, there's just not enough left to give each other. And that's ok. But it's that day after day commitment that you make to each other that makes you try again tomorrow.
Because it's so very worth it.
